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I read and hear a lot about “the talk” that Black parents in America have to give their kids, but why aren’t white parents doing the same? Why are we teaching black children not to trigger abusers instead of teaching white children not to abuse (and to be allies when they see abuse happening)? I would love a white parent of white children to set a standard for ‘the talk” they have with their children about racism and allyship.
We’ve got at least two questions here: why aren’t white parents having The Talk, and what should The Talk consist of for parents of white kids?
Researchers at Stanford University took on the first part of this question during the heat of the George Floyd protests, and what they found is as infuriating as you suspected: white people aren’t getting it.
“Fewer white parents talked about being white with their kids and more shared messages of colorblindness that minimized the significance of race.
‘Everyone is treated equal. The color of your skin doesn’t matter,’ said a white parent in a survey response where they reported what they told their 6-year-old child.”
While it’s certainly the case that there are many conscientious, anti-racist, proactive white parents out there, the Whites by-and-large tend to shy away from teaching kids that they occupy a privileged place in the world, or that their beloved family members may have perpetuated (if not perpetrated) evil, hurtful things.
To borrow a phrase, it’s complicated. And complicated is uncomfortable. And if there’s anything we white people don’t handle well, it’s uncomfortable situations.
What Is The Talk?
In my experience, The Talk (like most seminal “moments” in parenting) isn’t so much a “talk” as an ongoing dialogue consisting of questions, anecdotes, and behavioral modeling. Obviously, the world we live in provides a panoply of opportunities and real-life examples of racism, inequality, and violence to speak to.
And, my style of parenting is not for everyone. I have no illusions that I can control what my kids do when I’m not present with them; I believe my job is to instill a rock-solid core of values and a highly attuned empathic system, which will always give them the why and how of their actions. To me, anti-racism is a combination of contextual awareness and fundamental human decency, so I start there.
Meet Them Where They Are
I have kids aged 13, 10, and 8, and for me, The Talk has evolved as they have. It is tailored to each child’s preparedness for the subject matter.
In pre-K and Kindergarten, I can remember chatting with my kids (who have been fortunate to attend diverse schools) to be on the lookout for their friends. Specifically, I’ve asked them, “do you ever hear people being mean to Jaden or Zahara? What do you say if/when that happens? Let’s pretend and you can practice…” A lecture rarely resonates with them, but role playing is a great way to provide the right tools and practice for a situation.
By early grade school, kids are learning about MLK and our history of slavery. They are beginning to process the fact that the world looks and acts differently to their friends of color, so I can put a finer point on it. It’s not just “stand up for your friends when someone is mean to them,” it’s the beginning of an awareness of the inherent imbalance in the world around them.
This is where we need to start combatting the prevalent white narrative of “colorblindness”. Jennifer Eberhardt, one of the authors of the Stanford study, points out that “the colorblind approach has consequences that can actually impede our move toward equality. When people focus on not seeing color, they may also fail to see discrimination – in their own neighborhoods, at their own schools, in their daily lives.”
The differences in experience and opportunity between my white children and my friends’ black children is real, it’s structural, and it is not remote, but in their faces every day.
Kids pick up images from TV, the internet, newspapers, and they begin asking questions. You can see the wheels turning inside their brains, when they learn that people are upset because a man was murdered simply because of the color of his skin. You can almost read the internal dialogue: “will this happen to my friends?”
My oldest son was 11 when George Floyd was murdered, and he was already becoming engrossed in mass media (particularly Tik Tok – don’t judge me!). We had to get straight to the point: the world is a dangerous place, and it’s more dangerous for some people than for others.
At that age, he demanded an explanation: why did that policeman do that? What had Floyd done to warrant it? There are obviously no answers to those questions, but what young kids and preteens can grasp is the concept of heroism. In Derek Chauvin and George Floyd, we had villain and victim. But there is a hero, too: Darnella Frazier, whose cellphone video stopped us all in our tracks and demanded we address this abhorrent event. While the act of filming a video may not seem heroic, on that day, Darnella Frazier was a helper.
Be A Helper
I want to pause here for a second and draw a distinction. This version of The Talk is not some self-congratulatory version of white saviorism. It’s important that white kids know they’re not white knights (pun intended) riding in to rescue their helpless and hapless victim friends. Far from it.
The point, instead, is for kids to understand that they have a responsibility in every situation – to be actively working on the side of good. To reiterate an earlier point, anti-racism is a natural and integral part of basic human decency. And here we can echo Mr. Rogers’ poignant lesson about helpers: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
All four of my kids have heard me say it ad nauseam by now: be a helper.
A Plan of Action
Helping can take different forms, depending on the situation, and here is where the White Talk should finally get prescriptive. The specific Talk referenced in the question is not just about being generally anti-racist. Parents of children of color hand down a specific code of conduct for staying alive while interacting with police or in other potentially charged situations, and we should follow suit:
- Be calm, but be visible. The best thing you can do in the moment is de-escalate. Sometimes your very presence as a white ally will dissuade an attacker from becoming violent. Do not hide; let your presence be known.
- Always Be Filming. Have your cellphone camera at the ready. If you see someone – particularly the police or someone in a position of authority – become violent, announce loudly and clearly, “you’re on video. I’m recording everything.”
- Know the law. When dealing with police or matters of the law, don’t let yourself be intimidated. State – calmly, but confidently – what you or your friend’s rights are. “You don’t have the right to search without consent. Are you searching without consent?” or “we aren’t a threat. We are in a public place peacefully. We have a right to be here.”
- Gather a crowd. This one is important but tricky. A crowd of witnesses and supporters can underscore the fact that this bad actor is outnumbered; it can also heighten the person’s fear and desperation, potentially setting off a violent reaction.
- Stay alive. Remember the most important outcome is always for everyone to go home safe and in one piece. Adrenaline may be flowing, and the person you’re facing may be so deep in the wrong that you feel inclined to lash out. But start with the goal of living another day. That goes for my son, his friends who were unfairly targeted, and even the person doing the targeting.
Keep the big picture of equality and understanding in mind. Just because we’re not there now doesn’t mean we can never achieve it.
An Evolving Process
As mentioned, The Talk is an evolving dialogue – between parent and child, between citizen and society. My kids will grow and make mistakes, they will ask questions I’m not prepared to answer (it happens on a daily basis). I’m imperfect and untrained, so anything I say should be taken as a case study, not expert advice, but my goal is to instill in them an understanding of allyship and agency – a sense of their role in their context. It’s a start, at least.
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